Binx

Life isn't always happy and beautiful. A lot of times social media allows us to believe that other's peoples lives are just that. This post isn't going to be happy or leave you with a feel good feeling because it's going to be honest. I am really hurting right now, this moment, right here. Some of you know that Binx is gone and some of you don't. I don't want to talk about it with people. I don't want someone to ask me if I am going to get another cat. AND I sure as hell don't want someone to suggest to me that I should get a dog. I am in pain people! I have had Binx for 17 years and nothing will replace that. I don't want another cat because I don't think I can go through this a second time.
I love being home but it is the hardest and worst place to be for the last 2 months. Sometimes I hear a sound and I think its her. I see something that reminds me of her. Or we find her hair clumps in the deep recesses of our closet. Part of me wants to take those clumps of hair and put them in a jar. That is disgusting, but I miss her and I want her back and that's the closest thing I have to her.
Some people might not understand this, she is just a cat after all. But Binx was so much more to me. There were nights when I would have guy troubles, family problems, and friend issues and through all that Binx was always there. She even knew when I was in pain because that is when she would choose to be extra loving and curl up on me. At night when I would cry she would nuzzle into my hair and knead the pain away. She was consistently there for me.
She loved to nap with me. When I would work from home she would curl up in my lap. She was so used to hear me sing as loud as I could that if she was in another room and heard me singing she would come running into the room. That used to make Ryan laugh as hard as he was astonished.
It's been 2 months. The pain is slowly numbing but sometimes there are days like these where I feel her loss more than others. Maybe it's because it's Halloween and this was always our holiday. Maybe it's because Ryan and I have been arguing a lot this past week. I don't really know what has brought on the tears but today is a bad one.
I can understand how some people are so distraught they would bring a loved one back from the dead. I would give anything to have her here with me now.
I wish her last days hadn't been so hard on her. I was able to prepare myself and say good bye but I wish she hadn't been so weak. That I hadn't had to see all her pain and weakness. We were with her till the end and there are some things I wish I had never seen. Some memories I wish weren't in my head replaying over and over again. But I owed it to her to be there for her. To be the last face she saw.
I love Binx so much.