Sunday, December 8, 2013

Christmas Tree Check In

I am currently in the process of assembling my "show" tree for the downstairs. Things are going...interestingly.
As anyone knows who creates the magic that is a Christmas tree, it's a full day process.
All started well, I was so proud of myself for putting all the branches away properly so I could quickly put the tree together. Dolly crooning in the background some hypnotic Christmas tune, a fire roaring and me prancing around in my tiger footy pajamas, all was as it should be in the Brown household.
Next was to tackle the lights (I should have known this would have been the death of my magical Christmas morning). I plug in my first strand and only half works. I immediately am seething over the lights, my husband must certainly be wondering if I need to be tested for having bipolar disorder. One minute I am belting "O Holy Night" and the next minute I am yelling "O Holy Shit!".
I start messing with the bulbs. I replace one and voi-la, the second half now works but the working half has now stopped. I try replacing more lights but they are more tightly fastened. I start yanking bulbs out of their container with the little wires exposed. Meanwhile commentating the process to Ryan as he tries to ignore me. I keep hoping he might jump up and volunteer his expertise but my words fall on deaf ears. As I fuss around more I somehow manage to rip the entire copper wiring out of the lights and have that exposed while plugged in. I stare it for awhile wondering what would happen if I was electrocuted while trying to test Christmas light bulbs. What kind of eulogy would my family prepare for me? Would my funeral be a Christmas theme? Would my casket be wrapped in a thousand holiday lights? Or would they take the murderous light strand and have a ceremonial burning to honor my legacy? I shake myself from my daydreams and decide to can the lights.
I then test the other strand of white lights and they work perfectly. I now test the red lights that will go up the center of my tree and they are a no go. I twist one light and decide my well being just isn't worth the hassle. I'll impress my stepmother with my tree dressing skills some other time.
I am now ready to delicately drape my white strands perfectly upon the branches. These lights are two strands connected and therefore quite long to wrap around the tree. I decide the best approach is to wrap them around my body so that I can move around the tree, which is backed into a corner. On my 5th trip around the strands starts to tighten around my neck and I realize I probably need to readjust. Due to the circles around the tree I was running I managed to knot the lights around my body. I am trying to undo strands that are somehow looped together creating a treacherous web around me. Ryan somehow isn't alarmed as I grumble the fact that I am now stuck in the lights. I pick through each section and finally free myself; or at least until the last section which has now managed to get wrapped in my hair. I fight and fight with the strand but it will not loosen. I finally have to call out to Ryan to come untangle me. As he turns from the computer, finally registering what all has been going on he breaks into a large smile. Imagine the sight my husband turns around to see- his wife, in full body tiger pajamas with Christmas lights hanging out of her hair, the sheer look of panic and chagrin on her face. It actually took Ryan quite a while as my hair had made an impressive knot around one of the lights.
Freed I went back to work. I hid in the back of the tree starting from the bottom and spreading out the branches making my way to the top. As I got mid way up I somehow got one of the "needles" caught in my wedding ring and couldn't free myself, again! I had to take the ring off and let it hang from the tree as I analyzed how the needle was weaved around the stone and prongs.
This is the point where I stopped to write this down. I'll keep y'all posted if any more of these tree manages to ensnare me or I ended up burning it to the ground, whichever comes first.



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